Self help columns can provide endless entertainment for those who devour the daily newspaper. Just this a.m. I laughed out loud while reading ‘Dear Abby’. Well, it may have sounded more like a muffled chihuahua’s bark, but I count it as a laugh. And I was still only on my 1st cup of java!
A wife wrote to Abby complaining about her husband talking dirty to her and grabbing her breasts. Apparently, he had the audacity to ALWAYS want sex. Really? Am I the odd one out, because I thought this was NORMAL behavior for a man. As a matter of fact, the only times I have known of a man (through hearsay, mind you) that didn’t grab, fondle, beg or talk about sex was when the man in question had a medical problem inhibiting his desire.
Where did this woman come from that she is surprised and disgusted by her husband’s behavior? Has she not watched television or movies? Or read a book or magazine? What dark cover has she been hiding under to not understand her man’s urges?
I learned about men’s inclinations for touching their wives through mere observation when I was a child. All I had to do was watch my grandparents. My elderly, wrinkled, grandpa and my arthritic, frail grandma (complete with her dowager’s hump) baby sat for me throughout my childhood, both summers and after school. I can still picture her humped over the kitchen stove cooking while watching Grandpa go out of his way to pass her so he could swing his arm back and slap her butt with a loud smack, exclaiming, “Eeeh, heee!” Grandma would just swat her arm at him like he was a pest. “Oh, Adrian,” she’d say, using that same tone mothers reserve for silly children who they love unconditionally nonetheless. This happened so many times I have it engraved into my mind’s eye along with those old TV favorites ‘Fonzie’ from ‘Happy Days’ and the Dukes of Hazzard.
I remained baffled by this woman’s complaints but went on to read Abby’s response. She called the lady’s husband clumsy and ineffective, but also said the wife was sex starving the poor man. Which made me laugh out loud again. Aren’t ALL men ALWAYS sex starved? The definition of ‘man‘ in the Dictionary of Real Life is:
Man: Male of human species; Personified by testosterone fueled tendencies toward appreciation of violent sports; ALWAYS wants sex; Refuses to read or ask for directions; Acts like a baby when ill
In conclusion, this morning I learned that somewhere, somehow there is a woman who has spent her life living under of a rock (of illusion) and there is yet, one more husband that is starved for sex to add to the growing (pun :-)) population.